Clarence House May 2007

On May 4, 2007 we moved!  After more than 13 years at our small apartment on Linden, I'd thought we'd never leave there.  All of the sudden and very unexpectedly our life has changed dramatically.  We got an excellent deal, as the new place is in need of more than $110,000 per suite in exterior repairs, plus the interior is also indescribable (but I'll give it my best shot below).  What makes it all worthwhile is:

• gorgeous views over James Bay, the Strait of Juan de Fuca, cruise ships, freighters and the Olympic Mountains viewed through windows that basically cover entire exterior walls.

• 1250 sq feet (up from 910)

• second bathroom

• in suite laundry

• covered parking

• swimming pool, sauna, hot tub, and exercise room

• guest suite

• friendly neighbors, no renters, no pets allowed

Clarence House is amazing and it feels like we've gone on permanent vacation in a resort hotel.  The following series of observations probably detracts inappropriately from this feeling, but there are so many unusual things with the interior that it's worth describing fully.  It's basically a 30 year old European decor of walnut doors and gold trim.   The foyer has been described by one of our daughter's as cool and by another as text book for decorators to learn what not to do.  One visitor said simply, "Oh my gosh, it's a nightmare!".  The foyer walls are completely covered in square mirrors with a gold design in each tile.  Then the same mirror tiles build a gigantic overhead square with a chandelier hanging down from the middle.  It's nearly impossible to find the light switch, as it's an ornate design with gold tentacles emanating from it that camouflage with the surrounding mirror tiles.

All rooms have ornate gold trim everywhere the walls meet the ceilings and a large gold intricately designed baseboard.  Large carved wooden valances adorn all the windows.  Both bathrooms have large wooden boxes over the sinks with fluorescent lights embedded and blazing gold designs on the front.  The sinks are old and stained from 30 years of service.  It took me two weeks to get the master toilet to stop refilling every ten minutes.  All the outlets were painted gold and with years of use all are scratched into patterns that resemble the damage a rodent would do trying to claw through them.  The bathrooms have old wiring that I've replaced so that hair dryers can be used in them.

The closets were true pieces of - art? -.  They have long thin mirrors over them, enclosed in gold metal.  The same mirror set-up extends down both sides.  The gold painted door frames have two layers of ornate gold painted wood trim added to them.  The sliding doors are covered with mirrors.  Since the mirrors cover the door handles, they attached a metal bar to the end of the door and bent it around both sides to form handles.  These are extremely flexible and bend oddly when you attempt to open the door.

The previous owner obviously thought they knew how to lay tile.  The entire kitchen wall surface, to the ceiling, is covered in distasteful tiles that are set with poor seams.  The kitchen also has other problems, including a cabinet door that has fallen off despite previous owner attempts to use screws, glue and wire to hold it on.  The drawer guides are also broken, so that drawers tip over when you open them.  The kitchen floor tiles are layed with poor gaps, including one that's double wide in order to join to the hall tile.  The hall tile is classic.  About halfway down the hall, they obviously stopped the flooring project for awhile and left a straight seam.  Then later they started up again and the second lot of tile doesn't quite match the first.  The slight change in color, plus the interruption in the tile pattern would make professional installer cringe.  Plus, when you look down the hall, the pattern of the tiles snakes around erratically. 

The appliances are all avocado and the original instruction documentation was provided.  The range has a small oven over the burners in addition to the main oven.  The main oven and one burner don't work.  The fridge took over 15 minutes to get plugged in, as one of the legs was broken.  When it runs, you need to close as many doors as you can so it doesn't wake you from your sleep.   The dishwasher takes forever to complete a cycle, as there's no option to turn of the interminable hygienic cycle.  Every time the dishwasher door is opened, it makes a sound that reminds me of the gonging horn sound of a Tibetan monastery.  The dryer takes about twice as long as normal to work.  The dial on the washer is broken so you can't tell where the cycles start and stop.  When it does its spin cycle, you need to sit on top of it to keep it from bashing a hole in the wall. During our third week in the suite, two washer legs collapsed.  The washer then flung itself wildly into the dryer and pushed the dryer against the inward opening laundry room door.  It was as if they appliances knew we were about to get rid of them and they barricaded themselves in.  I was away in Vancouver when this happened, so Viki and Damon had the unusual experience of jamming and pushing objects under the door until they could force the dryer back far enough to reclaim the room from the renigade laundry robots.

I've belaboured all the oddness of condition and decor, but the main point about Clarence House is that we feel like we've won the lottery by moving here.  We'll see if this continues when the entire building is covered in a construction blanket for at least 6 months next year.  We're sure it will all be worth it!